Communication

  • The positive effects of the unexpected check-in

    Adaptability, Communication

    Something I have been intentional over the last year is reaching out to people when I think of them. I commute a lot for work and when not belting out an early 2000s alt-rock tune or learning something new from a podcast, I’m calling people. Just last week Facebook told me it was an old high school buddy’s birthday. Instead of clicking the auto-generated “Smile: it’s your birthday!” wall post slop, I searched his name in my contacts and clicked the call button.

    It was really hard! My finger had hovered over the call button. “What if I’m bothering them?”… “What if they’re not there?”… “Maybe I should call them later?”… “It’s been years! Maybe they don’t want to hear from me.” My brain started freaking out thinking of all of the social consequences. I started to over analyze and get anxious.

    Shut up brain. I pushed the little phone icon before I could fully psych myself out…. And it went great! He said that I had made his day. It was amazing to reconnect, like it had just been yesterday since we talked.

    You can send a text or a funny meme and give the receiver a small lift but research shows calling or video calling is far superior for connection SOURCE . Our voices convey emotions in ways texting cannot, fostering deeper intimacy. Hearing a familiar voice lowers stress and triggers oxytocin release (tend-and-befriend hormone) that builds social attachment, warmth, and trust.

    This practice also will make you better at doing hard things, which is an incredible skill to have (Adaptability). You’ll gain confidence in interpersonal interactions across the board, from the office to out in public, even dating!

    Some people will even play “Friendship Roulette“, where you scroll your contacts with your eyes closed and who your finger lands on, you reach out to.
    “Hey! I had a few minutes so I thought I would reach out. How have you been?”
    “I usually make a call on my drive home. You’re it today.”
    “I was just thinking of you and I thought I would reach out.”

    It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be stressful. It’s better if you don’t think about it, and just take action before you chicken out. It’s almost guaranteed to brighten someone’s day… including yours.

  • Stop saying “how are you?” as a greeting unless you want an honest response

    Communication, jNotes

    There are three acceptable answers to the question, “How are you?”

    These are “fine, good, and great.”

    That’s it. That’s all you’re allowed to say. Say anything else and you’re met with glazed eyes or mild confusion. Answering with a detailed explanation about how you’re having car problems and some sort of rash will get you a look of abject horror.

    “How are you?” has become a meaningless pleasantry in many English-speaking cultures. It’s more a verbal handshake than an actual question expecting an honest response. These types of phrases evolved into what linguists call “phatic expressions”; forms of communication primarily used to build or maintain social connections rather than convey factual information.

    “How are you?” creates a social contract where dishonesty is not only acceptable but expected. Saying “fine” when you’re not is considered appropriate social lubrication rather than deception. Linguists have found that people respond to “how are you?” faster than to almost any other question, suggesting it’s processed as a formula rather than inquiry. I wonder if this struggle is a common issue among the neurodiverse… those who generally thrive on clear and direct conversation?

    The last couple of years have been pretty spicy for me; there’s been more doctors and counselors and specialists than I’d like to admit. Walking into their offices to be greeted with, “how are you” has just felt… wrong. This is because after being met with this greeting, I’m immediately sat down to be asked the exact same question. This time however they’re expecting an honest and detailed response about the many reasons I’m here… which are generally because I am not, in fact, ok.

    The “How are you” dilemma had been gnawing at me for a while now. My counselor would come out into the waiting room, “Hi James, how are you?” I would want to answer honestly. I would get this feeling I needed to start spilling my guts right there all over the reception floor. At work, I would see coworkers greet employment service clients like this, only to witness the clients visibly shrink or cringe. “Great!” They’d say, followed by, “Well… maybe not great. In fact things are pretty hard right now,” as they are ushered past my door on the way to the privacy of an office.

    I brought up the topic of “how are you” with my Mom recently and she had literally experienced the same thing. True to her form, however, she simply slam dunked the response:
    DOCTOR: “How are you?”
    VMOM: “Fine, that’s why I’m here.”

    So it’s not just me. It seems a lot of people can’t stand this greeting, especially if it’s coming from someone who exists in their lives to share the hard stuff to. Someone that they are supposed to speak honestly to about what’s bothering them. It seems so obvious now that it hits different coming from your doctor than from the corner store clerk.

    Here’s what I’ve been trying:
    “Hi John, it’s nice to meet you!” (First meeting)
    “Hi John, nice to see you again.” (Subsequent meetings)
    “Hey Sarah, glad you made it.” (Honest enthusiasm that they exist!)
    “Hey Mark, love the shirt” (A compliment about a choice they made!)

    These alternatives acknowledge the person in front of me instead of defaulting to a script. They’re also flexible! They work whether it’s a good day or a terrible one, because they’re not asking anyone to perform.

    The irony is that by abandoning “How are you?”, I’ve found myself actually connecting with people instead of just exchanging pleasantries.

    What if you’re asked? You can try hitting the default response button and then internally thank them for the verbal handshake. You could try going over the top and say “Never been better!” before launching into a detailed explanation about the rash on your butt.

    You could try not answering. Let it slide because. It’s. Not. A. Question!

    SERVICE PROVIDER: “How are you?”
    YOU: “Hey, thanks for seeing me.” / “Hi John, nice to see you” / “How are YOU?”

    “How are you?” isn’t inherently bad, the purpose is still one of connection. It works fine at the grocery store, at parties, in passing. But when someone’s job is to help you untangle your life, leading with a question that’s explicitly not meant to be answered honestly creates friction.

    We should choose to be more intentional with our greetings, especially in rooms where vulnerability is supposed to happen. Maybe we should choose something real and personalized instead.