jNotes

  • You can fight the loneliness epidemic by talking to strangers

    jNotes

    Growing up, we were taught all about “stranger danger” and to never talk to strangers. They were lessons best learned by children who’s natural curiosity overrode their wariness. They are lessons best forgotten by adults who have somehow found themselves feeling isolated.

    Loneliness is now being described as a global public health crisis, with new data showing it is both more widespread and more physically dangerous than many people realize:

    • A 2025 WHO commission estimated that about 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness at any given time.
    • A 2025 global estimate suggests roughly 24% of adults 15+ report feeling lonely, rising to around 27% among young adults 19–29.
    • The U.S. Surgeon General has said the mortality risk from chronic loneliness and social isolation is comparable to smoking about 15 cigarettes a day, and similar in magnitude to obesity.
    • WHO’s 2025 analysis links social disconnection to over 871,000 deaths per year globally, or about 100 deaths every hour, through impacts on heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and other conditions.LINK
    • Lonely adults are far more likely to report serious mental health concerns. One recent U.S. survey found 81% of lonely adults reported anxiety or depression, and about 74% said they had little or no sense of meaning or purpose.LINK

    Chronic loneliness is comparable to smoking a pack a day. That is an INSANE statistic when you really think about it, and highlights how very important human connection is to us.

    Evolution shaped us to be social beings, wired to connect with those around us. But somewhere in the noise of our digital lives, that instinct has been pushed aside. Now, we tire quickly of real interaction, get “peopled out”, and retreat to our screens to stream, scroll, and tune out the world. Being anti-social is cool, everyone’s doing it. But it’s not so much the “people” part as it’s the quality of the interactions we’re having that are leaving us drained in those moments. Modern society is literally making us sick.

    Let’s find some connection. Somewhere. Anywhere. Our need for others doesn’t have to be the sole responsibility of our partners or children. We can all help each other fulfill these needs. Let’s go talk to strangers.

    A study based on a 2.5k person survey (GenWell 2021) found that participants more likely to greet neighbours and strangers at least weekly reported being happier, with those reporting daily / almost daily interactions with a greater association. This is true of interactions of all sorts; brief chats with cashiers, baristas, fellow commuters, and people on the street.​ Experiments where people were instructed to talk to strangers on trains or buses found their commute was more pleasant than expected, contradicting the common belief that others don’t want to engage.

    How to talk to strangers

    Start small. Say “hi”. That’s literally all you have to do. The worst thing that happens is that someone will not say “hi” back. This is really all it comes down to. Make the effort for connection. It’s ok that it starts a little awkward, so long as it starts.

    Give people something to solve. Notice something, point it out, then ask a question about it. Humans are generally curious and love to figure things out.
    “How do you think they got that [SOMETHING BIG] up there?”
    “Hey, does that guy’s shirt really say what I think it says?”
    This is what’s called an observational opener: spot something, frame it as a mini‑puzzle, then invite them to weigh in.

    Ask to join a conversation. At a networking event or social gathering, maybe next time don’t just try to squeeze your way into a group and hope they notice you. Ask them.
    “Hi, I’m James. Mind if I join your conversation?”
    You could even throw in a bit of vulnerability.
    “… I’m new around here and don’t know a lot of people.”

    A few things happen here. First, they pretty much have to acknowledge you. It will trigger their “friend or foe” senses and because you are asking a question, you are showing a soft spot. This often pushes them towards generosity. It is rare they will say no, and it is common they will purposefully engage with you more than had you just suddenly materialized like a creep within their group.

    There are many other strategies to get started connecting with those around you, but the main idea is to reach out. Most people are craving connection as well, and generally will be very forgiving of your social awkwardness. Talking to strangers will also help you build confidence, as confidence comes from experience. You will get better at it, and feel better as you start to spread little sparks of joy throughout your world. They may even start doing this on their own, creating a healthier and more connected community.

  • Inversion thinking can help us find solutions to our problems

    Adaptability, Creativity Innovation, jNotes

    Our brains are really good at coming up with problems and not so good at coming up with solutions. We detect problems more readily than generate solutions due to an evolutionary survival mechanism called the negativity bias. For our ancestors, missing a clump of berries sucked. Missing a predator was fatal.

    If you walk into a room filled with 15 adorable puppies and one pissed off cobra, you focus on the cobra (Martha Beck). Negative information triggers stronger and faster brain responses than positive or neutral information. If my daughter is late, my brain doesn’t think, “She lost track of time”. It screams, “She’s lying in a ditch!”

    Understanding the negativity bias can be really helpful when working on your mental health or when interacting with others. Hacking the negativity bias can become an efficient problem-solver.

    Finding solutions requires more energy than identifying problems because our brains default to quick, easy responses. We often grab the first, easiest fix just to make the anxiety of uncertainty stop.

    Your brain is naturally wired to look for problems. Stop fighting it, use it. Flip the thinking.

    Inversion thinking involves approaching problems backwards. Focus on what you want to avoid rather than what you want to achieve. Instead of asking “How can I succeed?”, you ask “What would guarantee failure?” and then work to prevent those outcomes.

    The Inversion Process:

    1. Define your goal.
    2. Ask how you could ruin it. Identify the specific factors that would guarantee failure.
    3. Avoid those factors or take the opposite action.

    From a mental health standpoint, how would you guarantee someone becomes miserable? You would tell them to stop moving their body, stay inside, isolate themselves from friends, and eat garbage food. So, how do you get healthy? Invert it. Go outside, move your body, see your friends, and eat real food (James Clear).

  • Stop saying “how are you?” as a greeting unless you want an honest response

    Communication, jNotes

    There are three acceptable answers to the question, “How are you?”

    These are “fine, good, and great.”

    That’s it. That’s all you’re allowed to say. Say anything else and you’re met with glazed eyes or mild confusion. Answering with a detailed explanation about how you’re having car problems and some sort of rash will get you a look of abject horror.

    “How are you?” has become a meaningless pleasantry in many English-speaking cultures. It’s more a verbal handshake than an actual question expecting an honest response. These types of phrases evolved into what linguists call “phatic expressions”; forms of communication primarily used to build or maintain social connections rather than convey factual information.

    “How are you?” creates a social contract where dishonesty is not only acceptable but expected. Saying “fine” when you’re not is considered appropriate social lubrication rather than deception. Linguists have found that people respond to “how are you?” faster than to almost any other question, suggesting it’s processed as a formula rather than inquiry. I wonder if this struggle is a common issue among the neurodiverse… those who generally thrive on clear and direct conversation?

    The last couple of years have been pretty spicy for me; there’s been more doctors and counselors and specialists than I’d like to admit. Walking into their offices to be greeted with, “how are you” has just felt… wrong. This is because after being met with this greeting, I’m immediately sat down to be asked the exact same question. This time however they’re expecting an honest and detailed response about the many reasons I’m here… which are generally because I am not, in fact, ok.

    The “How are you” dilemma had been gnawing at me for a while now. My counselor would come out into the waiting room, “Hi James, how are you?” I would want to answer honestly. I would get this feeling I needed to start spilling my guts right there all over the reception floor. At work, I would see coworkers greet employment service clients like this, only to witness the clients visibly shrink or cringe. “Great!” They’d say, followed by, “Well… maybe not great. In fact things are pretty hard right now,” as they are ushered past my door on the way to the privacy of an office.

    I brought up the topic of “how are you” with my Mom recently and she had literally experienced the same thing. True to her form, however, she simply slam dunked the response:
    DOCTOR: “How are you?”
    VMOM: “Fine, that’s why I’m here.”

    So it’s not just me. It seems a lot of people can’t stand this greeting, especially if it’s coming from someone who exists in their lives to share the hard stuff to. Someone that they are supposed to speak honestly to about what’s bothering them. It seems so obvious now that it hits different coming from your doctor than from the corner store clerk.

    Here’s what I’ve been trying:
    “Hi John, it’s nice to meet you!” (First meeting)
    “Hi John, nice to see you again.” (Subsequent meetings)
    “Hey Sarah, glad you made it.” (Honest enthusiasm that they exist!)
    “Hey Mark, love the shirt” (A compliment about a choice they made!)

    These alternatives acknowledge the person in front of me instead of defaulting to a script. They’re also flexible! They work whether it’s a good day or a terrible one, because they’re not asking anyone to perform.

    The irony is that by abandoning “How are you?”, I’ve found myself actually connecting with people instead of just exchanging pleasantries.

    What if you’re asked? You can try hitting the default response button and then internally thank them for the verbal handshake. You could try going over the top and say “Never been better!” before launching into a detailed explanation about the rash on your butt.

    You could try not answering. Let it slide because. It’s. Not. A. Question!

    SERVICE PROVIDER: “How are you?”
    YOU: “Hey, thanks for seeing me.” / “Hi John, nice to see you” / “How are YOU?”

    “How are you?” isn’t inherently bad, the purpose is still one of connection. It works fine at the grocery store, at parties, in passing. But when someone’s job is to help you untangle your life, leading with a question that’s explicitly not meant to be answered honestly creates friction.

    We should choose to be more intentional with our greetings, especially in rooms where vulnerability is supposed to happen. Maybe we should choose something real and personalized instead.

  • Change the thinking to change the outcome

    Creativity Innovation, jNotes, Problem Solving, Quotes & Questions

    When we do anything, when we think anything, we do so through a lens crafted from a mosaic of our values and beliefs. These values and beliefs influence our thinking and how we perceive the world so much that to us, they have more meaning than the truth. If the truth is at odds with our values, chances are we will double down on what we believe to be true rather than what is objectively true.

    This can really get in the way when we start trying to deal with our problems and challenges in life. No matter what we try, we can never break the cycles.

    We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

    – Albert Einstein

    Although this quote is generally attributed to innovation and technology, it can challenge a thinker to look at any problem from a different perspective. If pushing doesn’t work, try pulling.

    Einstein’s quote highlights a key truth: the thinking that created a problem won’t be the thinking that solves it. It calls for a shift in mindset. Real solutions require us to challenge old patterns and embrace change.

    To do so will feel very strange at first. In fact it will feel down right wrong. We will need to completely go against what we’ve “always” felt to be true and what we’ve connected to our very identities.

    Change starts with action, and it happens incrementally. It happens so slowly we barely notice. Taking action and d”oing something” will eventually help you get more comfortable with the new way of thinking. The more you engage with the new approach and stay aware of it, the more it begins to shift your old thought patterns. Over time, this new perspective becomes part of how you think. Either you’ll start seeing different results, or your expectations will shift enough that the issue no longer feels like a problem.

    The mindset that built it won’t fix it.

  • Our beliefs shape how we interpret experience

    jNotes

    David Foster Wallace told a story during his 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College about two guys sitting in a bar in Alaska:

    There are these two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the guys is religious, the other is an atheist, and the two are arguing about the existence of God with that special intensity that comes after about the fourth beer. And the atheist says:

    “Look, it’s not like I don’t have actual reasons for not believing in God. It’s not like I haven’t ever experimented with the whole God and prayer thing. Just last month I got caught away from the camp in that terrible blizzard, and I was totally lost and I couldn’t see a thing, and it was 50 below, and so I tried it: I fell to my knees in the snow and cried out ‘Oh, God, if there is a God, I’m lost in this blizzard, and I’m gonna die if you don’t help me.’”

    And now, in the bar, the religious guy looks at the atheist all puzzled. “Well then you must believe now,” he says, “After all, here you are, alive.” The atheist just rolls his eyes. “No, man, all that was was a couple Eskimos happened to come wandering by and showed me the way back to camp.”

    – David Foster Wallace

    This “didactic little story” as Wallace called it shows how our beliefs shape how we interpret our experiences. The same event can be seen as divine intervention or random chance, depending on the lens through which we view the world. But where did we get the lenses? Were we born with them or given to us by our parents, our communities, or peers? Can we ever change them and see things differently?

    The meaning we assign to events is often less about truth and more about the stories we’re inclined to believe.

    Maybe it was God. Maybe it was chance. Maybe it was both; A world created by God filled with chance. Maybe it was neither… but I’m not quite ready to get into determinism yet.

    Maybe it doesn’t matter which lens we’re looking through, so long as:

    • we are aware that lenses exist,
    • we know other lenses are out there,
    • and we use this knowledge to choose which lens we look through, or at least be aware that during any experience, we are in fact looking through a lens.

    It’s is not about choosing what to think, but choosing how to think. Wallace called this lack of awareness the “default setting”. To begin to override it is to become aware, to pay attention, and to recognize that our default settings may blind us to other perspectives.

    We are what we eat; and what we once ate, we were fed.

  • Obstacles don’t block the path, they are the path

    Adaptability, jNotes

    Life is filled with annoying things, annoying people, and annoying responsibilities. There’s too much to do, not enough time to do it, and at every step; an obstacle. Our default is frustration. We get mad at these obstacles. We blame them for keeping us from our goals. “Why do I get all the obstacles when that other guy gets it so easy?”

    “Obstacles don’t block the path, they are the path.“
    – Zen Proverb

    Maybe we should recognize that these obstacles are unavoidable features of life. Through them we change and grow. Maybe we can see them for what they truly are; opportunities.

    The times we learn are the times when we struggle. If we choose to view obstacles as puzzles, challenges or simply as more experiences that we pass along our way, we might just relieve the pain we think they cause.

    “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
    – Marcus Aurelius

    Obstacles aren’t bugs, they’re features.

  • Burn the ships

    Adaptability, jNotes

    The story goes that in 1519, Hernán Cortés arrived on the coast of what is now Mexico with a small force of Spanish soldiers. They were about to face down the powerful Aztec Empire, vastly outnumbered and in completely unfamiliar territory.

    To prevent retreat, Cortés ordered his men to destroy their ships. The idea was simple; there was no turning back. The only path was forward; either conquer or die. “Burn the ships” means to eliminate any option of turning back, forcing full commitment to a course of action or choice.

    When faced with a big decision in life (career, relationships, investing) it’s natural to want a safety net. Having a backup plan feels like the smart move. The presence of a backup plan could be the very thing keeping us from being fully committed to a choice. We waffle, we procrastinate, we stall.

    Backup plans offer comfort, not clarity. They make the unknown feel manageable. That comfort often leads to delay, distraction, and diluted effort. When a Plan B exists, Plan A becomes optional. It’s easy to convince ourselves we’re making progress when really, we’re just going in circles.

    “Burning the ships” eliminates the easy way out. It forces action and focus. You can only go forward, so get going. It’s not about being reckless; it’s about commitment.

    If there’s something important you’ve been putting off, ask yourself: what would change if there were no way back? Maybe it’s time to burn the ships.